7 Mummies (2006)
Once in a while like any other hot blooded male Cinemaphile I'll come across an actress who I immediately fall head over heels in love with and then look them up on IMDB to see what they've done that I haven't seen and what stuff I have seen or might have in my collection. Sometimes on these little missions you're bound to come across a stinker or two but sometimes you might find a hidden gem. This month it was Adrianne Palicki. I first took notice of her in G.I.Joe:Retaliation and the remake of Red Dawn but when I finally saw her failed 2011 Wonder Woman pilot (only two years late) I fell for her and checked out her body (of work). Besides another failed pilot, this time Aquaman, she played Jessica in Supernatural, pregnant chick Charlie in Legion and I noticed a familiar title called Seven Mummies. After reading about it on IMDB I knew I had it so I went rooting in my collection for it. It's one of those bargain bin buys that sits in your collection for months/years before you get around to watching it. The funny thing is I'm fairly certain I watched it before but I couldn't remember a thing about it. I was in the mood for some cheese, and Adrianne Palicki so I put it on.
Seven Mummies is the only film that Nick Quested has directed other than that he mostly produced documentaries. It begins with two cowboys dragging a coffin full of gold across the desert, where they eventually encounter a shadowy figure on a horse. Then we arrive at the scene of an accident, a prison transport van has crashed and the half a dozen or so convicts inside it are escaping. They kill one prison guard and take the other (Cerina Vincent of Cabin Fever,Murder Set Pieces) hostage as they make their way across the desert. The escaped convicts include familiar faces such as Matt Schulze (Blade 2,The Fast And The Furious), Billy Worth (The Lost Boys), Andrew Bryniarski aka Leatherface in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre(2003),Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning(2006) and rapper Noreaga. On their journey across the desert while digging for water they find a skeleton and a gold medallion. Soon after that they come to a house owned by a strange Apache shaman type character played by Danny Trejo. While they snack on some skinned snakes he tells them a story about seven Jesuit priests with seven gold medallions and their hidden treasure in a nearby town. So the greedy convicts head toward the town in hope of finding the treasure, not taking heed of Danny Trejo's hilarious prolonged evil laugh as they walk away from him. When they get to the town its almost like they stepped into a time warp as the town and its people look like they're from 1900. Once there they make their way to the local saloon for some drinks and whores and receive a not so friendly welcome from the Sheriff Drake (Billy Drago). Soon afterwards everything goes pear shaped and the film takes a From Dusk Till Dawn type of turn. It's here where Adrianne Palicki finally comes into it as a whore with a heart who tries to help the convicts.
I found 7 Mummies to be one of those, so-bad-it's-good kind of films, not far off the cheese shown on the Syfy Channel but with far less cgi and slightly better acting. Most of the kills and gore looked good but it could've done with a lot more. When we finally get to see the seven mummies I thought it was hilarious - they looked like the Templar knights from Tombs of the Blind Dead but they jumped around like ninjas. The over the top performances from some of the characters (mostly Billy Drago) kept me entertained and Adrianne Palicki and Cerina Vincent were hot as always. The film is definitely worth checking out if you find it in a bargain bin for a couple of euros like I did and if you like stinky bad cheese like I do.