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Retard Abortion (2014)

Retard Abortion is the latest short film released by EvilFlix and directed by Scott Swan & Wayne Burgess. Wayne Burgess is a filmmaker that is new to me but Scott Swan is a writer/director that I’ve been a fan of for a while. Scott Swan wrote the Fear Itself episode 'Skin And Bones' which was directed by Larry Fessenden and the Masters Of Horror episodes 'Cigarette Burns' & 'Pro-life', both directed by John Carpenter who is my favourite director of all time. Swan also directed the 2010 film Big Junior 

(A modern video nasty that I’m proud to have in my collection) and he co-directed the 2009 film Maskhead with Fred Vogel of August Underground fame.


Somewhere in Florida.... hooker Mary Jane Insana has a new roommate - a hideously deformed retarded guy simply known as 'The Bad Man' who won’t even let her take a shit in peace. They chill out in bed watching the Scott Swan film Big Junior and she tells him about her dad who died in the war in Iraq and she reads a letter he wrote to her. When 'The Bad Man' gets horny from watching a sex scene in the movie Mary Jane puts on a little show for him, rubbing a knife around her nether region. He tries to get nearer to the action and she utters one of the best lines I’ve heard in a film in a long time -

 "Don’t get too close to my knife pussy!" 


Later on Mary Jane gets a call from a client and goes to the bathroom but The Bad Man is taking a shit so she just pisses in the bathtub, fans of 'water sports' will enjoy this scene as the directors hold nothing back and show us everything but still manage to make it look artful and beautiful. (Or maybe I’m just a sick fuck?) So while she continues to get ready in the bathroom The Bad Man sees the card that she got from her father (which she warned him not to touch) and picks it up to look at it, accidentally tears it and then tears it some more till he eventually rips it in two. He then studies it and magically tries to put it back together without any glue or anything, all this while in the background someone with a frog's voice murmurs the word "retard" continuously. (I'll probably go to hell but I almost died laughing at this scene.) This pisses Mary Jane off and she kicks him out telling him to fuck off and get a job. He goes for a stroll to clear his retarded head and Mary Jane is having another hilarious conversation with a client on the phone (I'll bring a big dildo, can I stick it in your ass?" "No" "Ok, can I stick it in mine? I can take 10 inches you know..." So when The Bad Man gets home Mary Jane tells him that she's pregnant, (assumingly it's his) hands him a hanger and tells him he better take care of it. (No phone call to Jeremy Kyle or Maury Povich?) We then see her standing over him in the bathtub while he lies underneath her rummaging around inside her with the hanger like a blind mechanic. There's enough blood splattering everywhere in this scene to give HG Lewis a boner, one might even call it... a bloodbath.

(I'll get my coat) The grand finale is a special kind of twisted that could probably be put into words but really needs to be seen to be believed.


Retard Abortion is a short shocker running at just under 18 minutes long but what it lacks in length it definitely makes up for with craziness. It’s not for 'regular mainstream horror fans', it’s for the underground dwellers who yearn for something different, something fucked up and twisted, something other than the latest Hollywood sequel, prequel or remake. It’s not for the politically correct, those who get offended by the simplest little word, and those who think they are morally upright but have no spine. Anyone with the balls to check this out is in for a quick sick ride that they won’t forget. For any sickos planning an abortion themed movie night (as you do...), I think this would go great sandwiched between Brian Paulin's 'Fetus' & Ryan Nicholson's 'Hanger'. And at $0.99 to download it in hi-def along with its cool soundtrack it’s a fucking bargain!