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iLL WiLL's Month Of Yuletide Terror: part 2 Silent Night (2012)


Silent Night is a remake of the 1984 classic Silent Night, Deadly Night. Directed by Steven C. Miller (Automaton Transfusion, Scream Of The Banshee, The Aggression Scale, Under The Bed) and starring Jaime King (Sin City, My Bloody Valentine, Mother's Day), Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange, Rob Zombie's Halloween 1 & 2, Antiviral), Donal Logue (Blade, Ghost Rider, TV's Gotham), Brendan Fehr (TV's Roswell, Final Destination, The Forsaken) and Cortney Palm (Sushi Girl, Zombeavers)


It's a snowy Christmas Eve in Cryer, Wisconsin. The normally quiet town is bustling with activity as the residents are getting ready for the big day. The events take place around the town's annual Santa Parade, which has brought a record number of Santas to town. Deputy Sheriff Aubrey Bradimore (King) is stuck reluctantly working the night shift, dealing with all of the drunken Santas, road closures, and stressed out locals — but things are about to take a deadly turn. A vicious serial killer, dressed as Santa Claus, has made his own “naughty list”, and anyone on it is in big trouble. As the body count rises, Aubrey races to discover the killer’s true identity – but in a town full of Santas, shady characters, and dark secrets, finding the real murderer will take more than a Christmas miracle....


First off let me say that I fucking love Jaime King, I think she's one of the most beautiful women on the planet and I want to make babies with her. Not only does she uncannily resemble porn star Alexis Texas but she is also the quintessential scream queen, hell she even hosted a season of the Scream Queens TV show. Starring in films such as The Tripper, They Wait and both Sin City movies, she also starred in 3 of the best horror remakes of this millennium (and there's been a lot) - My Bloody Valentine, Mother's Day and Silent Night. Ok enough about my future ex-wife, let’s talk about the film. It begins with our killer getting ready for a rampage as he slips on a creepy mask and Santa suit while a terrified woman is bound and gagged on the bed next to him. Down in the basement he has a guy tied to a chair with Christmas lights, hey look it's Roswell's Brendan Fehr, but it looks like Santa thought he was Brendan 'Fir'.... sorry. Continuing his rampage he visits a little spoilt bitch just as she's in the middle of abusing her overly passive mother. While I don't condone the murder of children man this little cunt deserved what she got! Then we meet wannabe rock star Dennis who's visiting his grandfather in the retirement home. Not only has Dennis got the kind of face you'd love to slap but he's also a thieving little prick, stealing money from his grandfather's wallet as the poor man is in a catatonic state presumably from a stroke or something. Dennis gets a nice fright when the old man suddenly comes alive and grabs his hand uttering the words "Christmas eve is the scariest night of the year, you see Santa you better run for your life!" (A great nod to the original) Then in walks the nurse, another favourite scream queen of mine the beautiful Jessica Cameron. She doesn't believe Dennis when he tells her what happened and with a face like his could you blame her? Santa's next stop is a sleazy porn shoot and they're going to need more than a mop and some baby wipes to clean up this set. Maria (Cortney Palm) almost gets away but she goes from giving people wood to becoming wood... Pervs and gore hounds may recognize Cortney Palm from the cult hit Sushi Girl in which she plays, well the sushi girl. I hate most fish and seafood but I’d gladly eat anything off of her. Anyway, Santa keeps slaying (sleighing? yes again) and the cops keep catching red herrings until the typical showdown finale where we find out who the killer is and why he went crazy for Christmas. 


As I already said I thought this was one of the better remakes of the last few years and not just because Jaime King is in it. Malcolm McDowell hams it up to the max and gives an even more over the top performance than his Dr. Loomis in Rob Zombies' Halloween 1 & 2. It's clear that he's enjoying himself and not taking himself too seriously but when you're delivering lines like "I'm on his tail now - nowhere is safe" and "Double S - double screwed", how can you? The story is a fairly straightforward reworking of the original with a modern twist and a good script. Not so similar to the original that you'd say why bother? And not so different from the original that you'd say Why call it Silent Night? I thought leaving the Deadly Night bit out was a nice touch, just to give it a little bit more originality. Speaking of which, it did have a few nice nods to the original, more notably the infamous 'antlers scene', except this time around we weren't graced with the beauty of Linnea Quigley's juggs, or any juggs for that matter. We do get some inventive kills though and some nice gore including one awesome head split. If you haven't seen Silent Night yet then this is the perfect month to check it out and if you have then go and watch it again. And check out director Steven C. Miller's other films The Aggression Scale and Under The Bed, both awesome flicks in my book.