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Return To Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 (2013)

As a massive fan of Troma I’ve been looking forward to this movie for years, even more so when I heard last year that it was getting the Kill Bill treatment and being split into two volumes. I vaguely remember seeing the original Class of Nuke 'Em High as a child in the 80s when my dad rented it from the local video store and I saw it again properly in the mid-nineties on TV when Bravo UK used to show Troma movies every Friday night. It was then that I fell in love with Troma movies - the cheesy humour, purposely bad acting, over-the -top violence and the constant flashing of tits .... Everything a teenage boy could want in a movie. Since those good old days Lloyd Kaufman has become one of my favourite directors, at the moment I’m almost finished reading his book "All I Need To Know About Filmmaking I Learned From The Toxic Avenger" and I must say it’s one of the most enjoyable books I’ve read in a long time. My only complaint is that it was written in the 90s just after Kaufman finished Tromeo & Juliet, I hope he writes a new book continuing on from then talking about the making of Citizen Toxie, Terror Firmer, Poultrygeist and Return To Nuke 'Em High. Speaking of Return to Nuke 'Em High, I better quit rambling and get on with the review. This is Lloyd Kaufman's first feature film since he directed Poultrygeist in 2006, that’s almost eight years! In those eight long years we've witnessed four cinematic shitfests from M. Night Shamalonga DingDong so at least one Lloyd Kaufman movie in that time would've fed our appetites but hey, the time has finally come and not only do we get a new Kaufman movie but we get two of them back to back so all is forgiven - welcome back Lloyd!


Return To Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 works as both a sequel and a remake of the original 1986 movie Class Of Nuke 'Em High, kind of like the new Star Trek but without the time travel and shitty lens flare. It begins with an intro narrated by Marvel comics legend Stan Lee as we're treated to a recap of the events of the first movie and all the good bits of the two sequels (basically just every tit shot from them) and when Stan's eyes glow green all I can think about is how cool a Toxie Vs Hulk showdown would be. As we are introduced to the students of Troma High we come across a young couple having coitus in the janitor's office. A pipe breaks releasing green slime and a mutant snake-like creature that looks very similar to the cock monster in Tromeo & Juliet (knowing Lloyd it probably is the same monster). The creature slithers up the guys' ass causing him to come all over the girl shooting out acid like a Queen Xenomorph on her period thus giving us one of the best melt scenes I’ve seen since Street Trash. Then we take a trip over to Tromorganic Foodstuffs Inc. where it seems everyone employed there is either accident prone, retarded or just doesn't give a fuck. The manager Mr. Herzkauf (played by Lloyd Kaufman and the name is a tribute to Troma co-owner Michael Herz) who is on the phone to the US President (Lemmy from Motorhead). Herzkauf's company is supplying Troma High with chemically polluted meat which doesn't go down well on Taco Tuesday when the entire glee club (also known as the Troma Poofs) gets infected turning them all into Cretins (psychotic mutant punks) who in typical glee club fashion sing in harmony as they beat the crap out of people. When the Cretins run into Lauren the new girl (Catherine Corcoran) who is out searching for her pet duck Kevin they terrorise her and ram Kevin down her throat. While running around trying to remove the duck from her throat she runs into her newest enemy, class bully Chrissy (Asta Paredes). To her surprise Chrissy helps her out and they soon go from hating each other to hooking up at a party giving us some of the best cinematic girl-on-girl action since Bound or Mulholland Drive. Unfortunately Kevin the Duck was infected and passed it on to Lauren who then passes it on to Chrissy and they both mutate and go on a psychotic rampage to get revenge on the Cretins. Unfortunately the movie ends on a cliff-hanger soon after this leaving us with the worst case of Tromatic blue balls ever until Volume 2 is released. 


Was it good? Yes. Worth the eight year wait? Hell yes! Return To Nuke 'Em High Volume 1 is probably the most enjoyable movie I’ve seen this year so far and the only complaint I can think of is that we have to wait a few months for Volume 2. This has something to either please or offend everybody - comedy, sex, male and female masturbation, lesbianism, obesity, bullying, animal cruelty, school shootings, farts, gore, a kickass soundtrack and even arguments about Justin Bieber and the Star Wars prequels. After eight long years it’s great to see Lloyd Kaufman and Troma back to their winning ways. I hear there's a new Toxic Avenger sequel/remake in the works, I just hope we don’t have to wait another eight years until we see that!