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ill Will's 2014 Shitlist

A top 20 list of the worst movies I saw in 2014, all are not necessarily terrible - some just failed to entertain me or disappointed me slightly. Some of these movies may be listed on IMDB as being released in 2013 but I assure you they're on this list because they had 2014 release on this side of the pond or they were late coming out on dvd.

 

1. The Quiet Ones 

As a life long Hammer fan this was a huge disappointment for me. The trailer looked promising and so did the cast but I found the film itself boring and tedious at times. Lets hope they redeem themselves with The Woman In Black 2:Angel Of Death.{Editors note: They did not!}

 

2. Paranormal Activity:The Marked Ones

While I really enjoyed all the other Paranormal Activity movies this one left me down a bit. I appreciate where the director was going with the new urban setting and it was a nice break for the norm rather than having the entire film set in the same house.  

I did find it a bit messy and all over the place at times but again maybe that's because we're used to the indoor setting of just the one house. Also the twist ending was a bit crazy, not sure if crazy good or crazy bad but I do feel that it was a bit of a wasted opportunity unless that was to set up another sequel which is more than likely. Hopefully it's better. 

 

3. Knights Of Badassdom

A huge disappointment for me as i'm a big fan of Joe Lynch's work and that cast seemed like a geek's dream come true - Peter Dinklage (Game Of Thrones), Ryan Kwanten (True Blood)

Summer Glau (Firefly, Terminator:The Sarah Connor Chronicles,Arrow)... alas the film itself wasn't as bad ass as the trailer. I heard something about the studio screwing over Lynch and not letting him release the cut of the film that he wanted so maybe that's why the whole thing seems a bit of a mess. Hopefully a directors cut will get released and who knows, maybe one day it could be a cult classic.

 

4. Oculus

Another disappointing one for me, it just wasn't as thrilling or terrifying as the trailers made it out to be. Coming from the producers of Paranormal Activity and Insidious you'd expect it to be somewhat scary but no, nothing. It was also produced by WWE Studios so maybe that had something to do with it?

I was really looking forward to it because I have a serious geek-on for Katee Sackhoff and Karen Gillan. For every bad review I've heard of it I've also heard good ones so maybe I missed something, like most films i'll go back and watch it again just in case I did. Mike Flanagan's previous film Absentia was really good and I hear his next film is an adaptation of the Stephen King story Gerald's Game, hopefully he does it justice. 

 

5. Buck Wild

This low budget horror comedy/zomedy or whatever the fuck you want to call it failed to impress me first time around but who knows, I might give it another go sometime this year.

 

6. I, Frankenstein

Another huge disappointment for me. I had a feeling i'd still enjoy this even after hearing so many bad reviews for it because i'm a huge fan of all the Underworld movies (same producer) and 2004's Van Helsing is a guilty pleasure of mine, this looking like a mixture of both had my hopes set higher than they should have for at least a little bit of cheesy silly monster action. Instead I was treated to a steaming pile of dog shit and a waste of the talents of Aaron Eckhart and Yvonne Straovski. I know I say I wont watch it again but i'm an idiot and a sucker for punishment, I'll probably find it in a bargain bin and sit through the whole thing again.

 

7. Devil's Due

One of the many many many shitty found footage films I sat through in 2014. Annoying shaky cam, uninteresting characters , an unoriginal plot and a predictable ending.

 

8. In Fear

This one popped up out of nowhere but I had some bit of hope going into it as it was set in Ireland (even though most reviewers seem to think it's set in the UK, OK it was filmed in the UK but that's not the same thing...) and Iain De Caestecker of Marvel's Agents of SHIELD was one of the main stars. It started out interesting enough, like an Irish/British take on The Hitcher but after a while the whole thing became boring and the ending sucked balls. 

 

9. Sx_Tape

Ya looking at that poster would give one little hope at least - from the producers of Paranormal Activity and Insidious, and the director of Candyman? Nope, just another shitty found footage waste of time. And whats with that fucking title? If you didn't want your movie to be mistaken for the almost equally shit comedy Sex Tape from the same year then just call it something different, or preferably not at all.

 

10. Silent Night, Bloody Night: The Homecoming 

I reviewed this earlier in the year (check out review in link below) and I shat on it really hard, so hard in fact that when I think about it I feel guilty for shitting on it so hard, but then I remember -

 I had to sit through it...

http://www.emeraldgoresociety.com/dungeon-of-dread-reviews/2014/6/10/silent-night-bloody-nightthe-homecoming-2013

11. Willow Creek

People in the woods at night, weird noises, hiding in a tent, something's outside the tent shaking it, people go missing, campsite gets thrashed etc. etc. etc. oh and at the end, right at the end when you think you're going to see what all the fuss is about - boom!  - nothing, absolutely nothing. No i'm not talking about The Blair Witch Project, that's a masterpiece compared to this. Another in the long list of terrible found footage movies I sat through last year and there's bound to be a couple more on this list as well.

 

12. Ouija 

Meh, not scary at all and for a film based on something as scary as a Ouija board it should be somewhat scary or have a few cheap jump scares at least. Maybe i'm immune to this shit or i'm becoming a grumpy bastard  in my old age? If you want a good Ouija board film go watch Witchboard instead - classic. Olivia Cooke is a little hottie though, she's great in Bates Motel but lets hope in the future she bangs out a few better movies than this and The Quiet Ones.

 

13. The Jungle 

I was looking forward to this as the director Andrew Traucki previously made Black Water and The Reef, two of the best creature features of the last decade in my humble opinion.

If he stuck to the same formula with The Jungle he might have had another hit but no, he just had to go and jump on the found footage bandwagon. I'm not hating on found footage, I love lots of FF movies when they're done right (Cannibal Holocaust,Rec,Trollhunter) but this was another one similar to Willow Creek where people ventured into the wilderness, spent all day chatting and arguing, spent all night hiding in a tent wondering what those noises outside are and then right at the end when you think you're going to see something you get sweet fuck all.

I know in some cases it's better not to show the killer or the monster but after sitting through an hour and a half to two hours of boring crap you'd expect some sort of payoff at the end, sadly we don't get it. 

 

14. Cruel Will

The only reason I remember this movie and not liking it is because I put it on my shitlist way back when I saw it, I'm like the Santa of shit films. From what I recall it was full of bad acting, annoying characters and horror cliches. This is one I definitely wont be watching again.

 

15. Seed 2

I remember getting excited for this when it came out, so much so that I planned on doing a double feature and double review with the original Seed which was directed by Uwe Boll, a guilty pleasure of mine and definitely one of his better films along with Rampage, Assault On Wall Street and Rampage 2. Seed 2 however was directed by Marcel Walz who is better known for his nasty 2009 flick La Petite Mort. Through my disappointment and going back over the notes I took during Seed 2 I decided not to bother reviewing it as I had nothing positive to say about it other than it having some great gore effects by Ryan Nicholson. 

 

16. The Invoking

I couldn't even be bothered talking about this one again, just check out my review here http://www.emeraldgoresociety.com/dungeon-of-dread-reviews/2014/2/27/the-invoking-2013

17. Gingerdead Man Vs Evil Bong

It may seem a bit pointless adding a film with such a title to a list like this as most people would expect it to be shit anyway, or so bad it's good at least. I'm a fan of both the Gingerdead Man and Evil Bong series and while I wasn't as excited for their epic showdown as I was for Freddy Vs Jason or Alien Vs Predator this movie was a major let down and seemed like more of a rushed cash cow that was just slapped together for the sole purpose of selling merchandise, that of which is for sale on FullMoon.Com. Unlucky Charms and Ooga Booga were another two disappointments from Full Moon last year, lets hope 2015 sees some better releases from them.

 

 

18. Day Of The Mummy

I watched this over the Christmas holidays and boy did it suck. Sort of found footage take on The Mummy but like something The Asylum produced, maybe they did produce it I just couldn't be arsed finding out. Danny Glover is a millionaire who employs some Indiana Jones wannabe to seek out treasure in a pyramid and he gives him some Google Glass type thing so he can watch his every move and communicate with him from the comfort of his home. Danny's face pops up in a box in the bottom corner of the screen whenever he speaks to wannabe Indie and it just gets annoying after a while, like a really shit 90s video game. It gets awkward as well as the guy goes for a shag with some chick and Danny is at the bottom of the screen with a creepy grin on his face....

 

19. Annabelle 

I really enjoyed The Conjuring and I was one of the many people to say "Hey, a spin-off about that Annabelle doll would be really cool!", alas no it wasn't. Just another lazy by-the-books Hollywood franchise release that failed to impress me and a lot of others. They showed the scariest part of the whole film in the trailer so that ruined it as well. The best thing about it was it's lead actress Annabelle Wallis of Peaky Blinders fame. Lets hope she makes more horror films in the future as well, just not shitty ones like this. 

 

20. Do You Like My Basement 

This crapfest was made back in 2012 but wasn't released until last year, from what I can remember i'm surprised they didn't hold out longer to unleash it upon humanity. What pisses me off the most is that when it did get an Ireland/UK dvd release they re-titled it just 'Basement'. So to my misfortune I picked it up without knowing I'd already seen it and without bothering to read the back but luckily it was only 1.50 brand new. Actually what pisses me off the most is that I know i'm gonna watch it again....