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Eaters (2015) Review

Five friends (3 guys,2 girls) are driving across the New Mexico desert and when they pull over for a break at a rest stop one of the girls goes missing. The only other people at the rest stop were a small gang of bikers called The Demons so naturally the guys blame them, especially since they had a van with them. They guys just happen to have a few guns in the trunk of the car so they follow the bikers, pull them over and hold them at gunpoint demanding to know where their friend Jill is. The overuse of swearing in this scene may offend or just annoy the fuck out of some people, with dialogue like "Listen you motherfuckin' fuckers,  you better tell us where she is you stupid fuckin' fucks!", or something along those lines. One of the guys searches the van and doesn't find her but he does see a shitload of drugs in the back. They slash their tires and cut their fuel lines and go on their merry way to continue their search for Jill, leaving some seriously pissed off bikers in their dust. As the group of friends argue about where Jill could be one of them has a bright idea - "Maybe it was that strange suspicious looking Cadillac that passed us further down the highway?"

No fucking shit Sherlock. They're running low on gas so they decide to pull in to a small town called Boot Heel, Boot Heel is a creepy deserted ghost town that looks like an abandoned set from an old Eastwood movie.

The friends argue among themselves some more and when Jude and Nolan come to blows Nolan takes off on his own to search the town. Soon afterwards the rest of them start panicking because they keep hearing and seeing things.

(seriously, am I the only one who can clearly hear someone screaming in the background?) Jude finds the creepy Cadillac and runs to tell the others, then they spot the biker's van rolling into town so they go and hide. The two bikers get out of the van and immediately spot the car of the asshole kids who held them at gunpoint earlier, so they slash the tires to stop them from escaping.

Shortly after that a creepy kid whistling a creepy tune appears out of nowhere and the idiot bikers decide to pick on him. Not a clever thing to do to someone who looks like an Amish version of Sam from Trick R Treat. His older brother (I assume) comes to his rescue with a giant hammer and gives the two bikers a clobbering that Thor would be proud of. Here we also get to see one of the coolest head smashing scenes I've witnessed in a horror film in a good while. Back to Nolan who just woke up in tied up in a barn, his girlfriend Jill is also tied up and unconscious in there so I guess that's that mystery solved. Some Frankenstein wannabe in a gas-mask comes along and starts cutting them up and we soon realize that they're being ground up for meat. 

OK they're cannibals fair enough, but why do they need gas-masks to process meat? 

And why the fuck is everyone in this town dressed up like Amish scarecrows?

Soon the rest of the bikers come riding up to Boot Heel and bump into Alice and Dillon who are doing their best to get out of town. Dillon tries to bargain with the bikers but just when he thinks he's home and dry - Bang! So I guess the wedding is off guys?

Alice jumps out guns blazing and takes out one of the bikers in the process. The one remaining biker, the douchebag leader with the terrible wig finally arrives in town to retrieve his van full of drugs but he soon gets distracted by the cannibals. Alice comes along soon after him to see if she can rescue whats left of her friends. She finds Jude and they realize they are the only survivors. 

"Why are they doing this?" she asks him, then Jude replies with a long speech that begins with "In the war, I saw things...."

At that moment all I could see was Herman Hermann the Vietnam vet from The Simpsons giving a "I've seen things man!" rant so I couldn't help but laugh out loud. After a lot of creeping around they finally manage to escape but since they're both limping the 'Eaters' soon catch up with them. They're quickly surrounded by dozens of them so Jude tells Alice to make a run for it while he tries to hold them off with his shotgun. She makes it to the highway and passes out but is eventually found and picked up by a passer by.

As we don't see the person's face as they pick her up, when Alice wakes up in the truck you'd expect a big reveal  like the driver has one of the masks on - SPOILER ALERT! - nope, just some random weird looking hillbilly. Then we see that the biker leader survived as well but not for long as he gets run over by a truck . The truck stops and guys get out to help him, and just like before when you're expecting them to be the masked cannibals - nope, just some random pig fucking hillbilly....

When I saw that this had a 3.1 rating and some woeful reviews on IMDB I was expecting it to be a disaster, even more so when I realized it was directed by the same guy that made Day Of The Mummy - a film so bad that I didn't even bother reviewing it, I did stick it on my 2014 shitlist though. Eaters (not to be confused with the 2011 Uwe Boll produced Italian zombie movie) was slightly better than Day Of The Mummy but I wouldn't recommend it to anyone unless they are fans of backwoods redneck cannibal flicks in the vein of Texas Chainsaw, Hills Have Eyes, Wrong Turn etc. but nowhere near as good. It had some decent gore here and there, the hammer skull crush scene being the best by far. I'm sure lots of people were duped into buying this judging by the cover that it would be some sort of atmospheric creep-fest and honestly with the location, the masks and the creepy kid whistling (I think it was to the tune of Silent Night) this had piles of potential to be creepy as fuck but unfortunately it just didn't work out that way. More of a back story for the killers and characters that people could invest some feeling in and not just looking forward to them dying a brutal death would have went a long way. Fans of low budget horror who are forgiving of questionable acting, thin plots and dodgy wigs might enjoy this as an appetizer but horror fans looking for something filling should dine elsewhere. 

I give Eaters 1.5 crappy wigs out of 5.