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Sinister Squad review

Sinister Squad (2016)

 

Written & Directed by Jeremy M. Inman

Produced by The Asylum

Starring Johnny Rey Diaz, Lindsay Sawyer, Isaac Reyes, Fiona Rene

Christina Licciardi, Trae Ireland, Joseph Michael Harris, Talia A Davis & Nick Principe

 

"When a supernatural cult threatens Earth, Alice must assemble a team of fairy tale villains to face the literal forces of Death."

Those crazy fuckers at The Asylum are at it again with there 'mockbusters'. For those of you unfamiliar with the term or The Asylum's usual forte check out some of my previous reviews or just go and stick on the Syfy Channel. Think of films like Atlantic Rim, Transmorphers, Alien VS Hunter etc. and you'll get the picture. A few weeks ago I saw Independent's Day (awful crap) and I see that they have a movie called Ghosthunters out as well, undoubtedly crap as well but probably a masterpiece compared to the Ghostbusters reboot that it's ripping off. Obviously Sinister Squad is there take on DC Comic's Suicide Squad (and possibly Marvel's Sinister Six) which is due for release next month. Writer and director Jeremy M. Inman had another Asylum movie out last year - Avengers Grimm, where he basically tried to rip off Marvel's Avengers but replaced all the superheroes with fairy-tale characters so he wouldn't get sued for copyright. That movie sucked balls so hey why mess with a winning formula? Yep, he did it again - ripped off the Suicide Squad plot (or what we got from the trailers) and replaced all the villains with fairy-tale characters.

 

The film begins with a guy called Piper (obviously named after the Pied Piper of Hamelin) and  blonde chick with pigtails called Goldielocks, (Goldie for short) as they chase down a guy called Stiltskin. Neither Piper or Stiltskin bear any resemblance to the fairy-tale characters they're supposed to be based on or the Suicide Squad characters they're ripping off. Goldie doesn't have any bowls of porridge or bears following her but with her hair in pigtails and the clothes she wears it's obvious she's meant to be their Harley Quinn. Margot Robbie she ain't but she does look a little bit like porn star Lexi Belle, I've had a lot more fun watching Lexi Belle's movies though.

So along comes the leader of the gang Alice who looks like a brunette Madonna and has an even worse British accent than she does, along with her two henchmen Tweedledum and Tweedledee. They capture Stiltskin and bring him back to their asylum. As Alice assembles her team of bad guys we get a Guardians of the Galaxy style line-up scene where we are introduced to each of the villains. After Stiltskin (Hannibal Lecktar mask and all) there's the Big Bad Wolf and then we meet their version of The Joker - a knife wielding tall black Shaft lookalike. "They call him Bluebeard, for obvious reasons..." What fucking reasons? Is his beard blue? Is he a pirate? No, he's got a beard and he's wearing a blue coat - very fucking clever and obvious, not. Alice then sends Piper and Goldie off to track down Carabosse, a cannibal witch with big razor teeth. Carabosse is obviously their take on Suicide Squad's Enchantress, ya gimme Cara Delevingne any day. Carabosse is in love with Death and the squad's mission is to go to the underworld to fight Death and his messengers to retrive some magic mirror or some crap. Death is played by Nick Principe, a great character actor who is really slumming it here. Check out Ryan Nicholson's Collar to see Nick in a decent role. Then we meet some black chick called Gelda who has some sort of mind control powers and the final member of the squad we meet is The Hatter, not sure if this guy is a junky or a hipster but he looks like a cross between Johnny Depp and Jamiroquai. They feed him magic mushrooms so he can see the future and blah blah blah you know the rest. I wish someone fed me magic mushrooms before I watched this turd. 

 

 I've been doing my best for a while now to stick with my policy of not shitting all over movies that are so bad they piss me off and instead just review films that I enjoy so I can give them a positive review and not sound like a cranky old bastard all the time. Movies like this are so bad that it's hard not to vent. I'm sure if Jeremy M. Inman escaped from The Asylum (see what I did there?) he could probably make a decent original movie that isn't ripping off something else, more than likely though his next film will be Doctor Weird, Doctor Slightly Odd, Judgement League or some bollocks like that. Admittedly I do enjoy a lot of Asylum movies but unfortunately this wasn't one of them. They say these kind of movies are made for stoners so maybe it's time I took up smoking?