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Average Zombie

Average Zombie


“You know, it's an urban myth. That whole zombies craving braiiiins. Totally false. The average zombie is just happy to get something juicy to munch on. No concern for where on the body the meat is, or even if it's still on the body at all. It's the smell of the living you see. Like blood in the water to a shark. It will attract the undead so fast, you'd think someone was giving out free food at a restaurant. And once they start in on you, well table manners tend to be forgotten. And certainly no thought is put into whether it's thigh, wing or breast meat. Nope, I have to say unless it happend to be spilled out in front of them, that the average zombie couldn't care less about getting at someones brain......But then, I'm not the average zombie”

“Oh, I now what your thinking. I'm a crazy person. Your thinking that right now you are being exposed to nothing more then the ramblings of a lunatic. I mean come on, Zombies? Everyone knows they're not real. However. Not everyone has had the misfortune of being with a group of people that managed to run afoul of a real life Haitian witchdoctor. Fortunately for me, one of my companions happend to have the good grace to crack his head open as he was shuffling off his mortal coil.”

“I have to say....That first taste is a bit of a blur. I remember the hunger and the desperation to satiate it as I tore into the grey matter. But I am ashamed to admit that I do not remember the taste of that, oh so momentus, first meal. However, I remember everything afterword. Bear in mind that I was far from the only ambulatory being in that old fort but I was, most definitely, the only one with the capacity for thought. You see for the walking undead such as myself, the old adage, you are what you eat, really does apply. I was newly necrotised and my first food source was a fresh brain. And that's the key here, fresh. You can't just munch down on the grey matter of your fellow zombie. I learned that the hard way.......Necrotised flesh tastes horrid. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for saving food for later under the proper conditions. But all meat spoils and if that meat is infected with, whatever it is that brings us back, then it really is quite unpalatable. No, for one to retain any self of themselves then I highly recommend the freshest source available. And don't be afraid to be picky about your food. Different minds breed different tastes and effects. Personally, I've grown found of creative minds. There's just something about the way the neural pathways form that give it a pleasing texture on the tongue. However, that being said, I would always go for intellect over anything else. The greater the mind, the greater the cognisance I obtain after ingesting it. You know, I actually suspect I may have grown more intelligent as I dinned on higher IQ's”

“Of course, it doesn't hurt that great minds often come with great fortunes. You wouldn't believe some of the things people will offer up in a bid to save themselves. I have gotten the keys, combinations and pass codes to enough monetary gain as to make some countries jealous. And the women. Some of the most beautiful women have been offered up, and in some instance offered themselves up, in attempts to stop what they thought to be the acts of a human assailant. As a result, I have a nice home, several well hidden nest eggs and some of the fondest memories modern technology can record. But all of that is inconsequential to the hunger. To the ever present need to feed. You see, our metabolisms run faster then yours. Or at least they do when we have a steady food supply. As long as we eat regularly, our bodies can metabolise everything from our food without leaving waste. The more we eat, the better we function and for longer then humans. I've never investigated it, but I imagine whatever is in my stomach may be far more dangerous then just hydrochloric acid.”

“Once again, the money comes in handy here. It is really quite sad how many people in this world are willing to throw their lives away for the prospect of money. Some out of greed, some out of obligation but most, in my experience, do it out of desperation. Promise you can make their lives better and they will walk right into their own slaughter. And in this day and age, you don't even need to leave your own home. I may enjoy the thrill of the hunt when it comes to specialty items, but I'm not above calling some of the shadier contacts I've made over the years and having a homeless person picked up or perhaps some newly acquired foreign delicacies delivered to my door. One of the reasons I chose this area to live in. Privacy is assured and the security is borderline Orwellian, provided you've passed their strict vetting system. Which, in my case, consisted of a donation to the community fund that was in the nine figures range and an agreement with the community counsel of mutual ignorance. I do not exist to them and therefore, they need not exist to me. I inform security of any deliveries that are to be made and they allow unobstructed entry. You know, I almost can't remember the last time I had to hunt to survive.”

“I believe I've already said how fortunate I've been. My first bite and I manage to stumble onto the one and only thing that could have prevented me from wasting away into nothingness like the others. The capacity for thought, for reasoning. To be able to look at your surroundings and your condition and to know that you are changed for all time, yet also be able to adapt and survive. I couldn't eat my fellow undead but I did have a non infected corpse on which to feed. Not knowing how long I could go without food, I decided to gorge myself on what was left. That managed to see me through the town near the fort, but I was straining by the time I got into the city. The smell was everywhere and it was almost irresistible. As a result of what had happend at the fort, it was essential that I go unnoticed and that I get out of the country as quickly as possible. Some naive tourists provided me with funds and a meal when I showed them the injuries I had suffered in a brutal mugging earlier that day. They even provided me with a car, which they thought to bring me to a hospital in. I bartered the car into passage on a cargo boat headed to Miami. I faded out for a long time while I was in the back of that cargo container. When I came back to myself, I was standing over the dead body of a dock worker. I had smashed his head into the steel frame of a heavy wooden paneled crate. My instincts had somehow managed to see the brain as the first thing to be eaten. Either that or I had just gotten very lucky again. Whatever had happend, I was myself and I was once again covered in blood. I stripped my meal of it's high viz vest and donned it's fallen hard hat before calmly walking out of the cargo container and into the Miami evening.”

“Fed, but with precious little cash in my pockets, I decided my best bet was to find some place to stay while I figured out my next move. I may have come to terms with what I was, but I could never go back to my old life nor contact anyone I used to know for help. Instead, I decided to accept the fact that I was a monster and live accordingly. Thanks to the many show rooms and abandoned housing projects in the area, I was able to find a rather spacious house that had been left unfinished and available at a very reasonable price. I did find two occupants in residence, but they assured me the property was essentially in some form of financial limbo and no one would be interested in it for at least six months. They were also kind enough to set up a new bank account in the cayman islands and provide me with full access before they transferred their joint life savings, and those of their spouses, into it. Such a nice couple they were. Shame about the mess I made of the bed sheets that first night. But I made it up to them over that summer, feeding him scraps from the prostitutes and promising her I wouldn't turn her into scraps as long as she was a good girl. Oh, the things we did in that house. Even after all these years it still brings a tear to the eye, metaphorically speaking, and a stirring in...other areas. Yes, as I'm sure you've gathered by now, not everything changes once you've actually become a near death experience. True, I can't cry and certain bodily functions no longer seem to occur. But when it comes to the basic human instincts, I am far more then I was.”

“My eye sight appears to be about the same as it ever was. Yet, I can see the tinniest of movements. A blade of grass moved by the air from a passing foot, a twitch amidst the deepest corner of a darkened room. Nothing goes beyond my notice. Even when they have turned cloudy on occasion, a sure sign that it is time to turn the nearest skull into a desert bowl at the earliest opportunity, I retain this interesting ability. Indeed, it doesn't end there. My hearing and sense of smell are greatly improved as well. I can smell fresh meat from nearly a mile away. I have even honed my sense of smell to distinguish quality of grey matter based on origin and strength of the scent. As for my hearing, the slightest breath amid a cacophony of music would not escape my well trained ears. I truly think that if more zombies had gotten the opportunity to be like me, you humans would become an endangered species. As it is, for the most part we are only a problem in numbers. Which is true both ways, let me tell you. You see, along with all of these enhancements for hunting came an enhancement in other things as well. At least so far as my labido is concerned. Maybe it's just the freedom of being able to let go, maybe it's a by product of cognisance or perhaps it's the fact that those early months had so many obvious opportunities. Whatever it is, it forced me to eventually burn down my first little love nest. I learned a valuable lesson that night. If your going to have an orgy involving teenage tourists and some recently necrotised local talent, don't lose track of which ones need leashed colars with gags and which need full restraints. Everything got the water hose after a party from that night on, I can assure you. Even still, the damage was done and the police were on their way. Fortunately, by this time I was already well into my new life style as a well cultured monster with an obscene amount of money to rely on. The crime rate in Miami, coupled with the amount of people reported missing on a daily basis and the vagrancy that occurs in any city allowed for me to conduct my activities in total anonymity. I would forage from the local fauna and when something worthwhile would cross my path, an exceptional mind, a vast bank account or even on one or two occasions an attractive woman or three, I pounced. Ruthless, efficient and as time went on, virtually unstoppable. I ate drug lords and high finance executives in the same day I took their wives, daughters and portfolios. By the time I had to put the match to thermite and napalm, I had accrued four different identities, six different multi-million dollar bank accounts and a rolodex of blacklist, no questions asked contacts for every type of contraband one could want.”

“Which of course brings us to today. I knew, the moment I saw you that you were special. The way you moved, such confidence showed a strength that I've always found rather endearing. Now, I know that having taken in my story you are understandably apprehensive of what comes next. But rest assured that for putting up with my brief, though admittidly a bit disturbing at times, undead origin you will be givin a choice. Enter into my employ, do what I say when I say it and you will never want for anything. In time, if you prove yourself, you might even enjoy this rather liberating lifestyle yourself. As I mentioned earlier, a few more like me in the world could change a great many things. Especially if done properly. I think you could handle the change, adjusting to a new way of existing. Learning what it is to forge your own rules and having others live by them. I am offering you a chance at Godhood. The only question is, do you have what it takes to live by my rules in my world or do I enjoy what, I am no doubt sure, will turn out to be a most exquisite taste?”